Have you been avoiding telling your parents that you are about to marry that love interest they despise? Do it this year.
Have a new puppy?
Bring it wherever you’re going for dinner, house trained or not.
Voted for Trump and think you would do it again?
My advice is to keep that one to yourself.
In this special holiday edition, there are a few dinner topics worth discussing at your Thanksgiving dinners that we won’t be discussing at ours. My wife and I are eating alone this year, and she has already told me how things are gonna be on political matters. Lucky us! That way we can move on to arguing over which of our two 3-8 fantasy football teams are worse.
We are in different leagues with different scoring systems, which will make the debate much like the one over who is the bigger creep or criminal: Roy Moore or President Donald Trump? Both questions depend on the language and context.
I will open our football debate by denying that I have lost 8 games. “Totally denying” it, the way Trump describes Moore’s denials. Fantasy football arguments can be just like fantasy political arguments this way.
Editors note: Trump and Moore both abused and/or assaulted multiple women. And through our fact checker, it has been confirmed that both fantasy football teams in our household are 3-8. Now back to the arguing.
I thought the GOP was in trouble on the national stage just because of the president’s historically awful approval ratings. That terrible rating, which has been as low as 33%, is a bad sign for a honeymoon. But then Roy Moore became the face of the party. I don’t know what his approval numbers are, but if he wins that Senate race in Alabama in a couple of weeks, tickets to GOP clubs across the country are going to be about as scarce as Colts tickets.
Paper bags will be passed out at the door for the last of a dying breed to put over their heads upon entry to the Lincoln Day dinners. Paper bags are great at hiding the shame.
Editor’s note: I will be wearing a paper bag over my head to the next home Colts game that I am forced to attend.
In the midst of all of the Earth rattling news this week in the #metoo movement, I found it almost as disgusting as anything to see people pointing to the “Pence Rule” as guidance to this transformative time. Uh no, Gary Varvel, this ridiculous rule is not a game plan to slow the scourge of a generation’s worth of sexual abuse.
Let me explain the basic reason why the latest Varvel column starts with a blatant thinking error.
The rule that Vice President Mike Pence follows is that he will not have a private meal with a woman who is not his wife, and he will not attend a social function where alcohol is served without his wife. Varvel explains why this rule makes perfect sense (to him).
In private life, these kinds of rules or guidelines are as legitimate as any other. That means it is no one else’s business who a man or a woman eats with. Or why. VP Pence and Cartoonist Varvel, please eat with whoever you want in your private life. Knowing of course, that it likely won’t ever be me.
However, if VP Pence won’t have a private meal with a woman while conducting business as the Vice President, or before that when he was the Governor or a Member of Congress, he is discriminiating against women. A simple solution would be to not have a private meal with women or men. As an extension, maybe he should have just kept his mouth shut about the stupid rule, instead of thinking it was something to be proud of in the first place.
Editor’s note: Mike Pence has had private meals or meetings with men, in full compliance with the now famous Pence Rule. Some of those men were almost certainly gay men. I don’t know what that means, but this confuses the simple rule.
I normally write my column on the weekends, but when I heard the Thanksgiving edition of the Indianapolis Star was available early, and was available to pre-order, I thought I would get in on the buzz. These topics are provided to you for free as a supplement to the $6.25 purchase price of a paper that will carry the Gary Varvel column. That’s right. My column is worth less than his. What!?
If you make it to dessert this year and people are still talking about what to be thankful for, don’t forget to thank all of the brave women in our country who are facing the abuse and their abusers they have tolerated for far too long. You are all making the world a better place.
Happy Thanksgiving America!