Unfairly afraid of the terrible Nordstrom

by | Feb 10, 2017 | Pop/Life

For the first time here, I am agreeing with Donald Trump. Let that sink in for a moment.

A few days ago, our president used a couple of words to describe retail giant Nordstrom that seemed a little awkward. He claimed the chain had treated his daughter Ivanka “unfairly” and that it was “terrible.” And the store had not just behaved in a standard unfairly manner, but “so unfairly,” which is several layers worse of course.

Now this may come as a surprise to some of you, but I am no expert on department stores. Given my lack of sophistication on matters such as these, and the near worshipful glint in my spouse’s eye at the mere mention of this “store,” I just knew I had something to learn. So I took my research project to the street, and when I say “street,” I mean Facebook.

The Donald is mad because the store quit carrying Ivanka’s line of shoes, clothes and jewelry. Nordstrom dropped the line because the line had become bad for business. Clearly that is an alternative fact, because every American has $10,300.00 laying around to buy a bracelet. Ok, maybe not right now, but we will when America is great again.

I asked FB nation to tell me their own horror stories about Nordstrom and I must admit, I was ill prepared for the response. It turns out that Nordstrom has methodically brainwashed this country into believing that they can do no wrong. And I have moved from not giving the store a second thought to being fearful of the power it wields.

People have stories that just don’t sound real. Like the one where a mother passively told a clerk at Nordstrom that she was unhappy with a pair of shoes she had bought for her daughter. This mom had bought the shoes at a completely different store, and Nordstrom didn’t even carry the brand. The clerk told her to bring those shoes in and she would give the mom a refund. This actually happened.

This is how cults are started.

Next story, a man from California loses one of an expensive pair of cufflinks. I know what your thinking: who wears cufflinks any more? Of course, Nordstrom shoppers do. While this guy was shopping for neckties after the tragic loss, he mentions it passively and the clerk gives him a replacement pair for free. Free! I’m sorry people, but that is not the America I know.

How are middle aged men like me supposed to trust a store that behaves like this. If this place will give away children’s shoes, and then replace cufflinks that no one should have been wearing in the first place, what else will they do?

One Facebooker explained that he has repeatedly pitched an idea to the store to sell his line of tiny hats for pet hamsters and he can’t even get the store to respond. I’m curious what the store would do if I came in there this weekend with some of these hats complaining that they were too big for my hamster. I bet they would exchange them for something.

Maybe I could get one of those Ivanka bracelets in exchange.

The point is, this store is too good to be true. For those of us who don’t understand the sport of shopping, does Nordstrom even count? It seems to me that it’s more like a place where dreams come true in the spirit of Willy Wonka when he said “we are the dreamers of dreams.”

This whole experience has been very unsettling for me. The people who live or work downtown in Indianapolis are still mourning the closure of the Circle Center Nordstrom. These awful stories of longing and despair dominated my Facebook research. I’m fighting back tears while I write this paragraph. It’s just…so…sad.

Nordstrom seems to be Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Tom Brady and the Great Pumpkin all rolled into one. And of course, none of those others are even real.

So Donald, I’m with you. Nordstrom is terrible. We can’t trust it. It’s like rock and roll sixty years ago—poisoning the hearts and minds of our cities with all that is unholy. To me, it’s the Bowling Green Massacre and Hillary Clinton’s fraudulent popular vote margin combined. You know, the root of all evil.

I wish they would open one in Mexico, and then Donald and I could team up and claim we have a defective border wall to return and replace.

On second thought, I’m sorry I suggested that one. It might actually work.


Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Share This