Pantyhose, neckties and a simple guide to better living

by | Jul 16, 2017 | Pop/Life

“My next campaign will be to eliminate pantyhose, and in the interest of gender equity, I will take on neckties as well,” said Betty Cockrum at her recent retirement celebration. Come to find out, she has said this many times.

Amen sister.

We cannot let her career in public service end without joining her in this last, important fight.

Today’s edition is all about that: coming to agreement on some things that desperately need to change, and rallying the people to address them. Those of you who know me know that this is the type of campaign that is made for me. So let’s get down to it.

I can’t speak intelligently or from experience on pantyhose. I look to leaders like Cockrum and virtually every other woman I know on that one. If their eradication from our culture makes women even slightly and/or temporarily more comfortable, then I hereby sentence pantyhose to death by the heat of a thousand suns. They provide no return to me or other men. Women hate them. Why are they still here?

Defenders of pantyhose, this is your chance to speak up.  L’eggs, I consider you the Trump of fashion. But I will give you equal time here if you dare to take it.

Neckties are similar but not exactly an equally offensive man-burden. First, my wife likes how I look in a tie. It would be easy to blame generations of wives like mine for our plight on this, but I won’t. Second, I have been a sucker for this dress code for so long, that I have a relatively significant investment here. What the hell do I do with a closet full of $50 ties if I become fortuitous enough to be freed from wearing them ever again?  Do I make purse straps out of them?

Think about who wears neckties for a minute.  I don’t want to be these guys. These are people who deliver bad news. They are high school principals. They are lawyers. They are news anchormen. Even Chris Berman still wears a necktie. Granted, it’s a hideous mistake of a fashion statement every time he does, but he still does it.

And politicians. Seriously? Why do politicians think voters trust a male candidate because he is wearing an uncomfortable garment that looks exactly like his opponent who he claims is the Antichrist? I am not sure voters do trust that, but if someone doesn’t just take the plunge and put an end to this crap, it will go on forever.

Trump and Pence wear ties. And they simply don’t look comfortable in casual clothes. Obama does. George W. Bush does too. I don’t know what this means to you, but I know what it means to me.

But the fight against these kinds of things is not limited to clothing.  Let’s talk about the ridiculous embarrassment far too many men feel for getting pedicures.  That’s right. Pedicures.

photo courtesy

I prefer to get a pedicure every two weeks. And it’s not because I care how my toes look.  I can’t even see my toes. My toes are the perfect distance away from my 50 year old eyes that they are too far away with my glasses off, and too close with my glasses on. So if you see me on the beach, check out my toes and let me know how they look.  Of course, on the beach, they are covered with sand so good luck with that.

Men: pedicures are a foot massage. If you don’t like having your feet massaged, I don’t know why you exist.  Yes, manicures are just a hand massage that leave visible evidence to these old eyes. So while I am more than willing to defend my shiny fingernails after I have been to the spa, I get why some men just don’t have the courage to face the fellas looking a little too, oh shall we say, clean?

I am spending a couple of days in Washington, D.C. next week and know that I will have to return to a discussion of Swamp politics in my column. Although all of the important things discussed here will likely come up while I am there in one way or another.

Think of your own list of  “little things.”  As I grow older, the little things are becoming the big things.  And as I learn more, I am learning that addressing all of the little things that bother us make the big things easier to face.

So trash the pantyhose and the neckties. Get your feet rubbed. Join our army of people who know what really matters.  This is a movement. All we need to do is speak up, and together, through our shared commitment to global happiness, we can make tomorrow a better day.


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